


Feelings

by SomethingWicked123



Category: TMNT (2007), Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles - All Media Types
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Brotherly Angst, Brotherly Bonding, Cuddles, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Minor Violence, Panic Attacks
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-21
Updated: 2015-07-27
Packaged: 2018-04-10 11:54:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 19,866
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4390919
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SomethingWicked123/pseuds/SomethingWicked123
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"It's fine," Donny replied moving around Leo without making eye contact. He needed time for the feelings bubbling inside him to settle. He shouldn't have risked leaving his lab just yet. Keeping his head down he tried to casually move away from Leo and back to the safety of his lab. Leo had already felt something off between them, before Don had even realised it. He hadn't even noticed the way he was acting towards Leo. Obviously doing it subconsciously. But now he did. And now his emotions felt very raw and new again.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Anger...

**Author's Note:**

> This story was originally posted on my FF account on the 25th of November 2011. Story may be slightly edited from the original.
> 
> Okay to start this is a long chapter (sorry). It is based after TMNT the 2007 movie. I just always think to myself when I watch it that the others would probably be a little angry at Leo for not at least keeping in contact with them while he was in the jungle. He didn't let them know he was okay. That it would have caused a lot of worry and stress...
> 
> Oh and the TMNT are not mine
> 
>  
> 
> Let me know what you think :)

**The Anger...**

"Is everything okay Donny?" Leo questioned, sitting down in one of the spare chairs in Don's lab.

"Huh?" Donny turned in his desk chair, just slightly startled at the sudden appearance of Leo in the lab. Don felt just a little embarrassed at his display of not so ninja like awareness.

"Is everything okay?" Leo repeated. "With us, I mean?" he added; in unsure voice.

Ever since he had come back from Costa Rica Leo thought things felt kind of off with Don. Well that wasn't technically true. To start with things felt pretty normal between them. Don had been happy to see him, they had given each other a one armed hug. Don seemed nearly as excited as Mikey. Then they had gone topside to train (and saw that giant monster and The Foot) and still everything seemed normal between them. Raph was mad and well Raph like about everything. Mikey was Mikey and Leo had thought Donny was Donny. There was tension in the air, because of Raph and himself. Thankfully things were better now between he and Raph, after their rooftop fight and defeating Winter's Stone Generals.

Not long after the battle with the Stone Generals Leo had started to feel like things were _off_ between he and his purple clad brother. Not in a really obvious way. But things were definitely not right between them and for the life of him Leo couldn't work out why. So that's what had brought him here, to Don's lab.

Don seemed perplexed by the question, if the expression on his face was anything to go on. "Aaah no we're fine," Don replied slowly, confused as to why his older brother would ask him that. "Why? Why are you asking me that?" Don added.

Leo studied his second youngest brother for a moment before answering. Not really sure how to put into words the vibe he was getting from Donny. Even now as they spoke, he felt... wrong. And he didn't know why. Don's body language seemed different. His eyes seemed different. Like he was closing himself off to Leo. "You just seem like something is bothering you, and I get the feeling it's something to do with me. Things just don't feel right. Haven't for the last few weeks. So, so I just decided to come and ask you," Leo explained.

Don smiled, but it didn't seem real, didn't quite reach his eyes. He shook his head. "I'm fine, we're fine," He said turning back to his computer but he could tell that Leo didn't seem convinced. "Really Leo. I don't get why you think things aren't right. All is good," Don added.

Leo still didn't believe Don "really?" he asked. "We've barely spoken in weeks," Leo added.

"Yes Leo really, I swear," Donny replied. "I've just been... busy I guess, it wasn't intentional and nothing is wrong, okay," Donny smiled another smile that didn't reach his eyes.

Leo nodded standing up. He put a gentle hand on Don's shoulder. And for a second Leo could have sworn Don tensed up at his touch for the briefest moment. Leo pushed that thought away. "Okay Don, if you do want to talk about something, you know I'm here," He said before exiting Don's lab.

Leo didn't feel any better, in fact he felt worse. Things were NOT right. And Don wouldn't tell him why, wouldn't tell him what was bothering him. They'd always communicated fairly well. So this was really new for Leo. Leo guessed it was something to do with him being gone, or something that had happened while he was gone because he couldn't think of anything that had happened since his return that would cause Don's behaviour. Leo also new it wasn't anything that Mikey or Raph or anyone else had done because Leo hadn't observed Don interacting the same (different) way with anyone else. Leo sighed as he walked from Don's lab into the Dojo. He decided to meditate. Maybe he'd try again with Don later or maybe ask one of the others if they knew. He just couldn't let this go, he felt as if Don was slipping away. And that scared him.

**TMNT TMNT TMNT TMNT**

Don tried to get his mind back on what he was doing before his conversation with Leo. But he just couldn't focus now. Things were fine. He had no idea what Leo was talking about. Nothing was wrong. He told himself. Leo was back, things with everyone seemed really good. Even Leo and Raph were doing well. Don tried to push his thoughts away. Things were fine.

After 15 minutes of frustration Donny let out a sigh and turned away from his computer screen. He let his thoughts wander. Maybe Leo was right. He _was_ feeling weird when it came to him. He wasn't even sure why. Things were fine at first. But as the weeks went on after Leo's return; feelings began creeping back up. Feelings that had initially vanished at first sight of his big brother. But then began slowly creeping back inside, so slow that Don didn't even realise it was happening until Leo had brought it up. Feelings that Don had done his best to push away in Leo's absence. Because he hated that feeling. It wasn't often that it took hold of him. And he felt so guilty having it directed at his brother. Now that things had settled down after the fight with Winter's Generals. And the initial excitement of Leo's return had settled, Don felt kind of maybe just a little angry with Leo.

The more Donny thought about it. The more he realised that it was true. He was angry with his oldest brother. And that made him feel guilty. He didn't want to feel this way. He didn't want to disrupt the peace that had settled upon his family. He didn't want to open up the wounds that had begun to heal. He didn't want to feel mad at Leo. But he did.

He was angry because of the worry Leo had caused him and the rest of his family. Because of the pain they had all felt when Leo didn't return that day. Because Raph was even more angry then usual. Because of the hurt in Mikey's eyes when he returned from getting the mail, day after day and there was no word from Leo.

Don thought back to one particular day...

_Mikey had come back inside the lair and flung the mail on the kitchen table. He didn't have the usual bounce to his step. Don was sitting at the table trying to read a new book April had found him, before Mikey had scattered the letters and junk all over him and said book. "Mikey," Don began in an annoyed tone, until he caught the look in his little brothers eyes. It made him feel like crying himself or punching a wall in a very Raph way. Unshed tears shining, empty and lost, hopeless. Not the bright shining orbs that they should have been._

_"Mikey?" Donny asked, Thinking something terrible must have happened. "Are you okay?"_

_"He's not gonna write is he, he's not coming back," Mikey whispered, as he slumped into the seat next to Don._

_Don put an arm around Mikey. "Of course Leo will come back," he had said, trying to be reassuring, even though Don was starting to really worry too. It had been 6 months since Leo should have been back and even longer since they had heard from him. Don was worried. But he didn't dare say that to Mikey._

_"What if something has happened to him?" Mikey said in the same soft voice that was so un-Mikey like, it made Don's heart ache._

_Don shook his head, though that thought had crossed his mind several times. "I'm sure Master Splinter would sense that Mikey. Leo's fine," Don said, hoping that it was true._

_"Then why?" Mikey had asked Don, letting a few tears fall, and resting his forehead on Don's shoulder. Don pulled Mikey closer with is arm. He didn't know why. How could Leo do this. Anger filled Donny. But he pushed it down. "Shhhh, Mike it's okay. Leo will come back. Hey maybe the letters are getting lost or something..." Don trailed off._

_Mikey lifted his head, hope starting to shine in his eyes again. "Yeah maybe," he said in a voice that sounded more like himself. "So you think I should keep writing to him?" Mikey asked. He was so desperate to believe they hadn't lost Leo, he'd cling to any hope what so ever._

_"Yeah Mike," Donny said. "Keep writing," Don offered a small smile. "Oh and I thought about your idea for the job. You know 'Cowabunga Carl'. I'll help you get started if you want to do it, okay?" Don told his brother, trying to take his mind off Leo._

_Mikey lit up even more at that, he was pretty much back to himself. "Thanks Don," he called as he raced up to his room to get started on his costume ideas._

_"Why ya lying to him like that Donny," came Raph's gruff voice from behind._

_"I'm not," Donny replied, turning in his seat to face Raph._

_"Telling him all that crap bout Leo...he's not coming back. He doesn't care. The mail ain't lost," Raph snapped. "You don't even believe it ya self any more Don. I can see it in yer eyes. Leo's finally free of us. You tellin Mikey that, gives him false hope. It's just gonna get harder and harder for him to deal. The more hope he has, the more easily he can be crushed by it."_

_"I don't want him to be sad Raph," Don had replied._

_It's not helping him," Raph snapped moving further into the room._

_"Well I think it is, besides you don't know for sure. Leo could walk in any day now..." Don started._

_Raph held a hand up, "ba whatever brainiac. I'm goin out," Raph had lost hope of Leo returning. Was sick of not hearing from him._

_"Where?" Don had asked. He'd promised to take care of his brothers. He had the most level head after all._

_"None of yer business," Raph had snarled before storming out._

That was when Raph had started staying out all night. Sleeping all day. They all really started to fall apart. Don and Raph argued constantly, much like Leo and Raph had. About Leo, about Raph's unwillingness to do something to help provide for the family. (Even Mikey wanted to help). About Raph sleeping and doing God knows what all night. About the Nightwatcher. (Those arguments made a lot more sense now of course).

Mikey never gave up hope, he kept writing like Don had said to. He kept trying to be himself. He never broke down in front of Don again which Don was grateful for. That look did NOT belong on their happy go-lucky brothers face. But he was always sad after the mail arrived and finally began refusing to get it at all. Leo became a word no body mentioned in fear of Raph's rage and Mikey's tears. Master Splinter meditated a lot. Spending a lot of time away from his sons. The team they once were was gone and it seemed like the family they were was slipping too. And Don grew angrier and angrier at Leo.

**TMNT TMNT TMNT TMNT**

Don sighed he had worked himself up thinking about all that. He couldn't focus at all now. He pushed himself out of his computer chair and walked out of his lab, heading for the kitchen. Don thought he'd get himself a drink and then try to refocus. Pushing his pain away. He loved Leo. Leo was back. He was safe. Things were good. And that's all that mattered. The anger would go away eventually anyway. It wasn't something that Don usually held onto for long. Which was another reason Don was so surprised about it. He didn't hold onto things like this. And he wasn't going to anymore. He wasn't. But the frustration wasn't leaving him. He kept remembering Mikey's eyes. Raph's words, the fights. Some of the things that were said between them. It was awful.

Why did Leo bring this up! Donny kept remembering the fear he'd felt worring that something had happened to Leo. Or that Mikey would break again. Or that Raph was going to get seriously injured while he was out, dealing with his own pain. (And he had got hurt a few times. Thankfully it wasn't serious).

Donny had to admit it; he was feeling angry that everything had felt like it was falling apart and he couldn't stop it. And he was meant to be taking care of things while Leo was away. He failed and everyone knew it. And most of all he remembered how scared he was that Raph had been right. That Leo simply didn't want to return to them, that he didn't care anymore.

**TMNT TMNT TMNT TMNT**

Leo exited the Dojo at the same time Don had entered the kitchen. He wasn't getting anywhere with his mediation. He couldn't focus. He wandered into the kitchen and nearly ran into Donny who was coming out.

"Oh sorry bro," Leo said.

"It's fine," Donny replied moving around Leo without making eye contact. He needed time for the feelings bubbling inside him to settle. He shouldn't have risked leaving his lab just yet. Keeping his head down he tried to casually move away from Leo and back to the safety of his lab. Leo had already felt something off between them; before Don had even realised it. He hadn't even noticed the way he was acting towards Leo. Obviously doing it subconsciously. But now he did. And now his emotions felt very raw and new again. He'd spent the last 20 minutes re-living the pain of Leo's absence and all the problems that came with it. And if he looked at Leo right now he was sure his brother would see it in his eyes and force him to talk. And now, now was not a good time.

"Don, wait, Donny," Leo said grasping Don's bicep and stopping him from retreating back to his lab.

Don stopped, but still he wouldn't look at Leo.

"You are mad at me or something Don. So just tell me please," Leo pleaded.

"No, I'm not," Donny replied in the calmest tone he could, and headed for his lab again. "Just let it go Leo, please," Don called over his shoulder.

Leo followed, grabbing his brothers arm again and pulling him around to face him, "Donny..." Leo started again.

"Let it go, and let go of _me_ Leo," Don said in the same calm tone, although it was harder to keep his voice level that time. Don yanked his arm away and went back inside his lab, willing Leo not to follow. _Please Leo, I don't want to fight, there have been enough fights,_ Don thought.

But Leo did.

"Donatello," Leo started, using Don's full name, Don rarely ignored something if Leo did that. "I want you to look at me, and tell me what is going on right now," Leo continued in his _you better listen to me because I'm your leader/big brother voice_. Leo had had enough. _He_ was beginning to feel angry at his brother for treating him this way. He wanted an explanation now. Don was acting even more strange, and Leo needed it to stop.

Don stiffened at the full name use. Leo was full naming him. He hadn't done anything wrong. Leo was ordering him around in _that_ tone of voice. That do as I say tone. And usually Don wouldn't have worried. He knew Leo used full names when he was frustrated/not being listened to/serious/mad. Don was just too far gone now to care. Yeah Leo was the leader and Don listened to him for the most part. But they weren't in training or battle and Don had a right to his own space. He was trying to protect Leo here, for goodness sakes. At other times Don would have done exactly what had been asked. Don began to understand why Raph gets so annoyed. He didn't want to talk. Why couldn't Leo just listen to him.

"Now," Leo repeated. "I don't like being treated this way Donatello. Something is bothering you. Something to do with me," Leo said crossing his arms over his chest. "I want an explanation. I tried to talk to you. Things aren't right. Now you won't even look at me. It's not fair, Donny, please," Leo added, softening his voice.

Donny still hadn't turned around. He stood in the middle of his lab. Trying hard to control his breathing. Why did Leo have to do this. He had to come in here and make Don realise his feelings, feelings Don DIDN'T want to feel. Then he just had to keep pushing it. Don needed time to calm himself. He didn't want to say something that he couldn't take back later. He didn't want to be mad at his brother. He didn't want to yell. But it was getting increasingly hard not to. Especially when Leo took that tone with him. Even though he'd softened it towards the end. It had riled the usually placid turtle up further.

Leo stood a few steps inside the lab door way, waiting. He wasn't leaving till he got to the bottom of this.

" **DON** ," Leo all but yelled. Losing his patience .

Don spun around to face his brother. The anger that he had tried to hide burning in his eyes.

Leo actually took a step back. When Don got angry (which wasn't often) at something he really got angry but Leo had never seen Don look quite like that. It was a great imitation of Raph actually. And he had never felt it directed at him quite like that before.

"WHAT?" Don yelled back. "What do you want me to say. I am mad okay. I'm not sure why. And I didn't even realise I was mad until you brought it up." Don said in a tone that Leo had never heard from his usually calm brother. "So just let it go, before I lose it," Don added.

Leo didn't know what to say. He couldn't let it go. "W-why are you mad?" was all he could muster, Donny's behaviour was making his stomach churn.

"Because," Don took a breath, "Not now Leo okay, I can't," Don said lowering his head. Before slumping back into his computer chair. He didn't want to do this.

"Because I left?" Leo asked. Not willing to let this go. He couldn't live like this. It hurt to much. Leo took a few more steps into the room.

"God damn it Leonardo!" Don spat, throwing the full name thing back at Leo, glaring.

"Just TELL me okay," Leo said moving so he stood next to Don's computer chair.

"Okay fine!" Don growled. "Because you didn't come back!"

"I'm here aren't I?" Leo asked confused.

"Yeah just a year after you were supposed to be back. And you didn't write or call or anything for all we knew you were dead in a ditch some where!"

"I..." Leo started.

"No, you wanted me to talk so shut up so I can!" Don screamed.

Leo pressed his lips together; more shocked by the words and tone then anything else.

"YOU DIDN'T COME BACK, YOU DIDN'T LET US KNOW IF YOU WERE OKAY. YOU DIDN'T EVEN TRY TO SEE IF WE WERE OK. YOU KNOW HOW MUCH THAT HURT! TO BE ABANDONED BY YOUR OLDER BROTHER WHILE EVERYTHING FELL APART. DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH IT HURT TO SEE MIKEY'S FACE EVERYTIME HE CAME BACK FROM THE MAIL AND THERE WAS STILL NO WORD FROM YOU. TO HAVE RAPH DOING GOD KNOWS WHAT, AND I COULDN'T STOP HIM. ALL BECAUSE HE WAS HURT TOO. TO HAVE TO WORK **AND** WATCH OUT FOR MIKEY **AND** ARGUE WITH RAPH CONSTANTLY **AND** BE THE MEDIC **AND** HELP MIKEY WITH HIS JOB **AND** BE MR FIX IT **AND** DO MY BEST TO STOP THIS FAMILY FROM TOTALLY DISINTERGRATING WHEN I WAS TERRIFIED THAT YOU WERE LAYING IN A DITCH SOME WHERE OR THAT YOU JUST DIDN'T CARE. AND I DON'T KNOW WHICH OUTCOME WAS A WORSE THOUGHT!"

Don took a breath. He looked at Leo, who was wearing an expression of shock, eyes shining with unshed tears. But Don didn't feel guilty now. He felt enraged. He tried to stop yelling though, taking another breath he began again. "I was so mad at you. When you came home it was such a relief, you were okay and you would be there to take some of the responsibility back. My anger went to the back burner. But I guess it never went away. You haven't even given us an explanation of why. And because you didn't think you were a good enough leader yet isn't **good** enough Leo," Don added. You could have at least written to us..." Don faded out and looked at his computer screen.

Leo struggled with what to say. He opened his mouth but there were no words.

Don folded his arms on his computer desk and rested his head on top. His whole body began to shake as he began to sob uncontrollably.

Leo was sure he felt his heart literally break in half. What had he done. "Donny..." Leo started, putting a hand on Don's shoulder.

Don shrugged it off "Just leave Leo," Don choked out.

"But, I'm so sorry Donny. I-I..." Leo tried, wanting to make things right.

" **No** ," Don said in a loud voice, still not lifting his head. "Just get out".

Leo couldn't believe this was happening. Couldn't believe the outburst that had come from the calmest turtle in their family. He stood unmoving, not wanting to leave his brother like this, struggling to hold back his own tears. At the same time he didn't want to cause his brother more pain.

"Get the hell out!" Don said again.

This time Leo did as his brother wanted. He fled from Don's lab. His own tears beginning to fall. He raced past Raph and Mikey who were standing near the lab doorway, having come to see what was going on when they heard Donny yelling. 

Leo bolted to his room. _Great_. They'd seen him. Leo waited until he had his bedroom door shut before crumpling down into on his bed and completely breaking down.

Leo had never hated himself more then he did at that moment.

 

To Be Continued


	2. The Heartache...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "How did you forgive him?" Don asked. "Because the way I feel right now, I-I don't know if I can."
> 
> Raph's eyes widened at Donny's statement...he knew that feeling though. When you were still in the middle of your feelings like that. It was easy to think that you couldn't forgive. Later when they settled down, you can start to think clear again. 
> 
> "Give it time Donny, I know ya mad at him, I get why. But you'll calm down. You'll talk bout it. And things will be better."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ...and here is the next part. 
> 
> I would love to know if you are liking this story?

**The Heartache...**

The lab door banged closed behind Leo; jolting Raph and Mikey from their shock. The two moved a few steps away from the doorway. Not knowing what to do.

They had heard Donny yelling. They had seen Leo flee from the lab, tears glistening in his eyes. Now they just stood unmoving not sure what to even do. This had never happened before. Never had Leo and Don had a blow up like that. Honostly they had never really had a blow up at all. It was rare for Donny to raise his voice, period. He rarely became angry with one of them... Although he and Raph had gone at it a bit during Leo's time away, it still hadn't been quite as big as this.

"What has happened my son's?" Came Master Splinter's voice from behind the red and orange turtles. He had heard the sound of Donatello's raised voice and come to see what had happened. Apparently it was Leonardo who bore the brunt of his calmest son's meltdown.

The boys turned. Raph just shook his head and made a motion of 'I don't know' with his hands.

"I think Donny blew a gasket," Mikey said with a nervous laugh.

Master Splinter paused in thought for a few moments before speaking.  "You must see to your brothers," Their Father decided. "Raphael you check on Donatello and Michelangelo you go to Leonardo". Splinter had felt this would happen sooner or later. His son's needed to get everything out in the open. He knew they all had some things to work through. Even with the calm that had settled over his family during the last couple of weeks. They could not keep the peace without working out some unresolved issues.

Both brothers looked at their sensei slightly confused at the pairing.

Raph was surprised that he'd not been asked to check on Leo. The two had grown closer again in the last few weeks, much like when they were children. Although the thought of going up there to Leo in the state he'd just seen him in, seemed quite...scary to Raph.

When neither turtle moved their father spoke again, "You boys must become closer, as you used to be, ALL of you; to truely work together as one. You need to take care of your problems within yourselves and be there for one another always. So I will leave it to you both to help your brothers through this. If you need me, you know where I am," Master Splinter finished.

Raph and Mikey nodded their understanding and watched as Master Splinter returned to his room. The aging rat trusting that Raphael and Michelangelo would help their brothers through this.

Once Splinter had closed his door Mikey spoke, "Ah Raph...what do I say?" He had no idea how to help Leo and was worried about trying to offer help.

Raph stared at Mikey before answering, not sure what Mikey should say. Not sure what he should say. After a minute Raph replied, "just-just tell him yer here for him if he wants ta talk, or some mumbo jumbo ta that affect and then see how it goes from there..." Raph shrugged his shoulders; this wasn't really his area. Leo, Donny and even Mikey were better at the comfort thing then he was. "Yer better then this then me Mike" Raph added.

"Yeah," Mikey said, rubbing the back of his neck. "But I don't wanna make things worse or say the wrong thing. I've never seen Leo look THAT upset before. And I've never heard Donny yell like that. Even when you and him had those arguements while Leo was gone".

Raph felt a twinge of guilt at hearing that last sentence. Don hadn't deserved that treatment from him. Raph had heard what he'd said to Leo about it too. It obviously still weighed heavily on the purple wearing turtle.

"Mike you'll figure it out," Raph answered with a small smile. "Ya better get up there, just do ya best," Raph added, feeling worried himself; what if he said the wrong thing or made it worse. Which was more likely to happen then Mikey messing up in this situation. Raph headed towards Donny's lab door way. He was very concerned about both of his brothers.

Mikey nodded his head as Raph moved away and started up the stairs towards Leo's room.

**TMNT TMNT TMNT TMNT**

_Okay think Raph, be-be sensitive about this 'cause Donny's just completely lost it and he don't need more pain,_ Raph thought to himself as he knocked gently n the lab door. He didn't hear a response so he slowly pushed the door open and approached his brother. Don still had his head in his arms on top of the desk. Raph could tell from the way his shoulders were shaking that his brother was still crying, although the loud sobs had subsided. _Crap._

Raph closed the distance between them and knelt down beside Don's computer chair. Don hadn't shown any sign that he knew Raph was there. Raph gently put his hand on Donny's shoulder.

Don didn't flinch; he knew his brother had come in. But was not in the mood to talk right now.

"Hey...ah, well ya know I'm no good a this. But are ya okay? Do ya want ta talk bout it?" Raph asked.

Don still didn't acknowledge Raph's presence.

"Donny?" Raph tried again, squeezing his shoulder.

Don sniffed and shifted in his seat, but didn't look up.

"Come on look at me Donny," Raph asked, in a soft pleading tone. A tone that Don rarely ever heard Raph use.

He turned his head, still resting it on his arms to look at Raph.

"Hey," Raph said and tried to smile in a reasuring way. "Ya want ta talk bout it Donny?" Raph asked still keeping his voice soft.

Donny shook his head and turned his face back into his arms.

Raph reached over and grabbed one of the extra chairs, pulling it up beside Donny's chair. Raph sat down and put his hand back on Don's shoulder.

"Ya want me ta leave?" Raph asked, not wanting to. But knowing that sometimes you just needed space after something like this. Heck he knew he did.

Don shook his head.

"Okay" Raph replied, as he began to rub cirlces on Don's shell. If Don just wanted him to sit here with him, then that's what he'd do. Raph wondered how Mikey was going with Leo.

**TMNT TMNT TMNT TMNT**

Mikey had made his way to the eldest turtles room slowly. It wasn't that he didn't want to check on Leo. He difinently DID want to make sure Leo was okay. He was just worried that Leo wouldn't let him in or he'd do or say something wrong. He liked to make jokes to break tension and bring smiles back to his brothers faces. But the look on Leo's face as he'd run from the lab earlier had Mike thinking that it probably wasn't a good idea. _Just be serious Mikey, Leo's upset. No stupid jokes okay,_ Mikey thought to himself.

Mikey knocked tentively on Leo's door.

Leo was laying on his bed and had just began to get a hold of himself. The tears while still flowing were now more of a trickle. He was trying to concentrate on his breathing. Trying to think of a way to fix things... some how. Leo growned at the gental knocking at his door. He couldn't see anyone in this condition. He couldn't let anyone see him in this condition.

"Hey bro..." came Mikey's voice. "I ah, I know you probably don't wanta see anyone right now, but um. Splinter sent me up here to check on ya. So if you don't let me in he's probably gonna come up himself," Mikey waited for Leo's reply.

Leo sighed and sat up, putting his feet on the floor. He scrubed the tears from his face. And willed the rest to stop building in his eyes. "Come in," he croaked in a voice rough from crying.

Mikey entered, shutting the door softly and made his way over to Leo on the bed. For a moment he wasn't sure whether to sit on the bed, or the chair or to stand. _Calm down and just sit,_ Mikey told himself deciding to sit on Leo's bed next to him.

"Do you want to talk about it?" Mikey started, like Raph had.

Leo took a deep breath, "I-I don't even know what to say. I had no idea Donny was carrying all that around..." Leo paused, the tears coming again. He was NOT going to sit here and cry in front of his baby brother. Getting himself under control he began again, "I mean things seemed okay to start with. Then I just started to feel something between me and him, like a wall or something. So I pushed at it. Maybe I shouldn't have. I don't know..." Leo trailed off, staring at his bedroom wall.

"Well," Mikey said slowly "If you hadn't of pushed...then maybe things woulda got worse. Ya know at least this way things are out in the open and you guys can work on fixing it."

Leo looked at his brother a small smile came to his face; and then vanished when an image of Mikey looking upset with tears in his eyes came to Leo's mind. ' _DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH IT HURT TO SEE MIKEY'S FACE EVERYTIME HE CAME BACK FROM THE MAIL AND THERE WAS STILL NO WORD FROM YOU.'_ Donny's words replayed in Leo's head. Leo stared at Mikey's face, the one that nearly always wore a smile. Knowing that he'd caused that smile to leave for even a second was almost too much to bare.

Mikey watched the emotions play out on Leo's face. At first he almost smiled and then as quick as it came it was gone, Leo's eyes clouded over and pain took over his features once again. Mike thought he'd said the right thing at first, now he wasn't sure at all. Mike shrugged his shoulders "You don't think so?" he asked.

"No-no, maybe you're right...I hope you're right," Leo said trying to smile again. Leo took another deep breath, "I'm sorry Mikey," Leo added looking down, his smile gone. He was not going to let things get this bad with Mikey too. Leo kept thinking about how Don had brought up Mikey being hurt by his lack of contact. _Well of course he was you idiot,_ Leo scolded himself.

Mikey scrunched up his face in confusion "Why are you saying sorry to _me_?"

"Donny, well he mentioned...he said about how upset you got when I stopped sending letters," Leo replied. "I mean...of course you did. But I haven't apologised and I am sorry..." Leo trailed off.

Mikey had heard Don mention that. And he remembered the pain he felt every time he got the mail. He remembered how much he had hoped that finaly there would be a letter, a postcard, anything to let him know their brother was all right. That he still cared. He remembered that he'd only broke down once in front of Don, nobody knew he cried himself to sleep most nights; terrified that their brother was never coming back. Because something had happened to him or because he just didn't want to; both of those thoughts tearing him apart inside. "And when you didn't come back," Mikey replied in a soft voice.

Leo slumped over, putting his head in his hands, struggling to keep his tears at bay again.

"Crap, sorry, I'm sorry Leo," Mikey began. "I'm not trying to make you feel worse, it's just... I was worried about you and I missed ya so much. We all did," Mikey finished.

Leo kept his head down, "Are you mad at me too?" Leo asked, in a small voice.

Mikey paused, no he wasn't mad, "No not really, but..." He trailed off.

"But what?" Leo asked, not wanting to know, but needing to at the same time.

"Na, forget it," Mikey said smiling.

"No, tell me" Leo said feeling sick, this is how things had started with Donny. Forcing him to speak. But Leo had to have it all out in the open now. Mikey was right pushing away feelings about all this was just going to make things worse. They needed to get it all out in the open. Leo just hoped he hadn't pushed another brother to their breaking point.

Mikey looked away before speaking "Well, I'm not mad at you...but I don't get why, why couldn't you at least write and tell us why you hadn't come home or you know at least that you were alive and okay? It was so scary, not knowing. It was like we were all living in limbo. I mean if one of us had done that, you woulda lost it too, I guess that's partly where Donny was coming from. You blow up at Raph for a lot less; you know not letting anyone know where he's going. And then you... just disapear of the face of the earth for all we knew." Mikey glanced back at Leo, automatically feeling guilty. Don had already layed in to him enough for the three of them, he didn't need Mikey adding to it.

Leo continued to look down, not able to meet Mikey's eyes. Mikey's thoughts made perfect sense. They never gave Mike much credit on having these types of deep understandings. Which apparently was a mistake. I'm _a hypocrite . I would have killed one of the other's for this type of behaviour and here I am, failing again. I should have been more of a role model then this,_ Leo thought to himself _._

"I'm a hypocrite Mikey I know. I-I Don't know why I stopped writing," Leo began. "I guess I thought I had failed. That I had gone so far away to become a better leader for all of you. And I didn't feel any different or any better when my time was up. So I couldn't come home. So I didn't. And I didn't know how to tell you guys that. It wasn't that I didn't want to come home. It just kind of happened. It started of small, _I'll just stay another month_ , then it was another and another until it had been a whole year. I thought maybe you all were better off without me. I couldn't even get this right. Then I realised that you guys would either hate me or have gone on with your lives. And I wasn't sure which hurt more. I guess I was just kinda messed up being out there on my own for so long. I missed you guys _a lot_. But I was scared to come back as a failure. Scared to see that you had all gone on perfectly fine without me. Scared that you hadn't. Scared of a reaction like this, scared of no reaction at all. Then April came, and she talked about you guys, and suddenly I just had to be back here with all of you. You and Don were so happy to see me. I realised that I was **so** stupid to stay away. I thought most of my fears had been wrong. Raph was pissed, but I expected that from him honostly. I'm **sorry** things got so messed up. I was freaking out about coming back not ready, afraid of what it might do to us as a team, and look what I did by not coming back. I don't know why I thought it wouldn't hurt you guys. I'm always so focused on what's best for all of you all, how much I care for you, that I forget that maybe you guys care about me too.

Mikey shoved Leo playfully "Maybe? we care? MAYBE?" He said loudly. "Gees Leo I think you did go a bit coo-coo out there in the jungle. We love you; just as much as you love us...you woulda seen that if you read my letters," Mikey finished.

"I stopped going to the post office, I used to sneak in their in disguised...but I couldnt bare to hear about your lives back here when I was so far away. It became so I didn't know how to respond. What could I say, slept in a tree, saved a village...still have no freaking idea what I'm doing. I'm a failure...And in my mind if I didn't know what was going on, if I didn't have contact with you guys it was easier to pretend that being apart form all of you wasn't killing me inside. I could push it away and pretend that it didn't hurt. Pretend that I was doing the right thing by staying..." Leo paused "Gees do I even make any sense right now? I feel like I'm just rambling here," Leo added.

"Na dude, you make sense. I guess what happened to you is just what happened to Donny, once you start, your feelings become clear, things seem to make more sense, you realise what you are feeling, when you had no idea before".

That was the third time in half an hour that Mike had made Leo see sence. Leo looked up at Mikey, a small smirk on his face "Who are you and what have you done with my little brother?" He asked. "That made perfect sence _again._ "

"Hey, I always told ya I was smart," Mikey said smiling cheekily.

Leo took another breath, looking down again. He had to just check something. Donny obviously did. And Leo didn't blame him. Raph, well Raph and he had been great lately, but for all he knew there was some hidden resentment stashed away that would come flying out at any point. He didn't think Mikey did, not with the way they had been talking, but still he asked "Soooo _you_ don't hate me? For what I did?" Leo said in a whisper.

Mikey was taken a back by that "Wha, NO of course not" he said moving closer to Leo on the bed and putting an arm around his shoulders. "I was sad, and worried, scared. I could never hate you," Mikey said smiling pulling his brother closer. Then a thought occured to Mikey, "Leo, Donny doesn't hate you either. You know that right?" Mikey asked.

"Ha," Leo scoffed, looking up at his brother. "I have never heard Don speak to anyone that way EVER...how much I put him and you guys through without even realising it...He hates me, an-and he has every right to. He was so upset...you should go check on him. I'm okay, really," Leo added, in a voice so full of saddness it hurt Mikey to hear it.

Mikey shook his head _sure you are,_ he thought. "Raph's with him...and he _doesn't_ hate you. He doesn't, he's mad and upset. But, hey I _did_ hear him and Raph have some pretty big blow ups while you were away. And while Don wasn't _that_ riled up and well... loud, it got pretty heated," Mikey said trying to alleviate some of the pain Leo was feeling.

Leo remembered Donny yelling something to that affect. He felt bad about that as well, that his extended absence had put Donny's and Raph's relationship in danger too. That they'd both been so upset that they'd taken it out on each other, when _he_ was the one to blame.

"And," Mikey continued, sensing Leo's guilt on that topic too. "Don and Raph seem to be doing fine now. Ya know Donny, he's never been one to hold a grudge for long. He'll calm down. You'll talk, it'll be okay Leo," Mikey said in his best reasuring voice.

 _Yeah Don's also not one to scream at me and bawl his eyes out either,_ Leo thought. But maybe Mikey was right...He _was_ making so much sense. Don would calm down then they could talk. He just hoped he could get Don to believe how really sorry he was, and how he'd do anything to make it up to him, to them. Leo nodded at Mikey and lent into his brother's side a bit more. Praying that it wasn't to late.

**TMNT TMNT TMNT TMNT**

Several minutes passed as Raph sat with Donny in the lab, no one saying a word.

"Donny," Raph started still rubbing his brothers shell, "I'm sorry."

Don lifted his head up slowly, "huh?" he replied rubbing his tear stained eyes with his hand.

Raph looked at the desk in from of him, "Fer all the fights we had, when Leo was gone. Fer acting the way I did..." Raph trailed off, guilt making his insides hurt. "I didn't mean ta hurt ya like that."

Donny sat all the way up in the chair, a puzzled look on his tired face.

"I heard most ta what ya said ta Leo," Raph explained. "I didn't realise all that was still weighen on ya that much."

"It's okay Raph," Donny said in a raspy voice, the first real words he'd said the whole time Raph had been in the room.

"Na it's not...and I never really said I was sorry. I shoulda helped 'round here more. Shouldn't of left everyhting up ta ya. And I didn't mean ta unleash on ya all the time. But ya just started getting on my nerves actin like 'fearless', asking me where I was goin and talkin bout the Nightwatcher..."

"Sorry about that...if I knew..." Don replied.

"If ya knew we would of had another fight," Raph replied with a smirk.

A small smile played on Don's lips. That was true.

"I guess, I just hated the way our family had become...it was incomplete. I was hurtin' and I took it out on the ones I love...and yeah Leo wasn't here ta argue with, so it had to go some where".

Don sat quietly listening to his brother speak, sniffling occasionaly.

"And that wasn't fair...so I'm sorry," Raph finished.

"Me too Raph," Donny replied looking at Raph apologetically, "I wasn't much better near the end there. I was stressed out to the max, trying to keep us all together. I felt like you were abandoning us too. You were either asleep or out. I was just worried about you, about us as a family. We already had one brother MIA, I was terrified that one night you were going to go out and not come back. I suddenly got why you and Leo fought so much. Anybody who tries to control you too much gets their head bitten off. But it's so hard to sit back and let someone you love put themselves in possible danger. I always worried about you, but Leo took care of all that. Then I had to do it and it was just hard...but I couldn't sit back and watch another brother disappear. I felt like I always had to be on your case. I decided that us arguing was worth it if it was going to help keep you safe and here. Which is exactly how Leo always felt..."

"Yeah I know," Raph answered, he couldn't help it. The harder someone fought to keep him, the harder he struggled to get away. And around and around it went. "I was never gonna leave ya's Donny boy. _Really._ I know I was a jerk. But I would never do that. _How could I let him think that,_ Raph thought feeling the guilt rip through him once again.

"That's another reason I feel so damn angry at Leo..." Don began "All those years of trying to make us, epsically you accountable for where you were, to give us peace of mind. To be there for each other. To be responsible. Then he stops writing. THEN he doesn't even come home!" Don exclaimed, getting worked up again. How is that taking care of your family, how is that being responsible. He's such a hyporcite."

"I get it Donny, I do," Raph replied.

"How did you forgive him?" Don asked. "Because the way I feel right now, I-I don't know if I can."

Raph's eyes widened at Donny's statement...he knew that feeling though. When you were still in the middle of your feelings like that. It was easy to think that you couldn't forgive. Later when they settled down, you can start to think clear again. "Give it time Donny, I know ya mad at him, I get why. But you'll calm down. You'll talk bout it. And things will be better."

"But how did _you_ do it?" Don asked again.

"Well there was the little incident of our massive fight and nearly gettin him killed," Raph replied.

"Yeah...maybe I should bonk Leo on the head a few times with my Bo, would that work?" Don said with a stiff chuckle. "Is that the only reason?" Don asked. "You forght it out, you almost lost him...again"

"Well honostly, I guess we never really got down ta the issue of him just slipping off the face of the earth. It was more about me struggling ta let him lead again. To let him in again. Having him waltz back in after so long and just expect me to fall inta line. I told him we'd been gettin along fine with out him, but that wasn't the truth. I guess most of the rage I felt duing our fight was fuled by the pain and anger I felt while he was MIA as you put it. But when I realised that there was a possibilty that I would never see him again, _again._ I let it all go...which I never thougt I'd be able to do. I just decided to concentrate on the fact that he was back, that yeah it was stupid and insensitive of him to just drop contact like that, but we all make mistakes. Hell I've made so many I've lost count, and... he's always forgiven me".

Don stood from his chair and began pacing around the room. Raph made perfect sence. Why wasn't he feeling that forgiveness, everyone made mistakes. But but Leo hadn't given an explanation on WHY he hadn't come home. Like Don had said, well yelled earlier 'I wasn't a good enough leader yet' wasn't enough. Leo had tried to talk after Don's meltdown but Don had told him to leave.

Don sighed, Leo had opened a gate and now Don didn't know how to close it. Never had Don felt this out of control before and it shook him deep inside. His moods were flippping so quick it made his head spin. And the most annoying thing was that he didn't know he was angry until Leo bought it up! Should he talk to Leo? Should he say say sory for flipping out? Was he justified in his feelings? Why did Leo have to leave him alone to man the fort for so long! Why! What if the anger never went away. What if they spent the rest of ther lives like this, what if something happened to Leo while he was still angry, like what had nearly happened to Raph. It was just all to much! He could pretend to forgive Leo...but Leo would know he was being insincere. Why was this so hard to let go of. Damn it!

Raph noticed Donny's breathing getting heavier as he moved aimlesly around the lab. Raph was in the middle of deciding what his next course of action should be when suddnely Don picked up one of his tool boxes and hurled it into the opposite wall.

The loud crash didn't stop Donny though, he just kept throwing things, he pushed a pile of books from the table, threw an and old toaster to the ground smashing it into pieces. He needed to get the rage OUT. Out of him. He didn't like it. It needed to leave. Then maybe forgiveness would come. He wanted his family whole again! Suddnely there were hands on his arms, stopping his frantic movements.

Don spun on his heel and threw himself into Raph's arms, crying again. It was like a switch had been flicked inside him. One second he was full of rage, the next crying like a 5 year old. He wasn't pleased about either emotion, but he couldn't stop. He thought Raph would laugh at him. Push him away. Tell him to stop being a baby. But Raph just put his arms arund his sobbing brother and pulled him tighter. Don buried his face into Raph's shoulder. And let it all go, Raph could tease him later, he didn't care. Right now he felt that Raph's arms were the only things keepng him from falling apart completely.

**TMNT TMNT TMNT TMNT**

Back in Leo's room, both the blue and orange turtles were still on the bed. Leo resting his head against Mikey's shoulder. Mikey hadn't taken his arm away from around Leo. Leo was trying to build up the courage to go back and face Donny. He wasn't sure how long to wait. Donny had wanted him out before. But at the same time Leo didn't want to leave Don too long, he wanted to make this up to his brother. He was prepared to do anything to sooth Donny's pain. He was hoping Raph had made some head way. _Raph_ , Leo was kinda nervous to face him too, he'd seen Don in the state Leo had left him in. Raph was extreamly protective of their brothers as was he. If someone hurt them there was hell to pay. Even if that someone was Leo himself.

'Are you ready?" Mikey asked.

 _No,_ Leo thought but nodded anyway. They both stood and walked to the bedroom door; Leo falted in his doorway.

"Hey, I'm here for ya. It'll be okay I promise," Mikey said.

"I don't know what to say," Leo said, leaning on his door frame.

"Just tell him what ya told me," Mikey said. "We all make mistakes Leo, I'm sure Donny can forgive you, he'll understand".

 _Please_ Leo thought _, let Mikey be right about this too._ Leo headed toward the staircase with Mikey right behind him. Leo vowed to himself that no matter what it took, he'd make his family whole again...

 

To be continued...


	3. The Fear...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Don once again let his emotions get the better of him, he began to shake. He couldn't breath, there was no air, he felt dizzy. He recognised the syptoms though, but that didn't help him. He was having a panic attack. He knew he needed to pull himself together, they needed to get Leo home where he could help him. But the fear was too great, it over took him...

**The Fear...**

When Leo and Mikey entered the lab Raph was still holding Don in his arms, talking softly. Leo felt his breath catch at the sight of his purple clad brother griping Raph as if his life depended on it. Mikey felt sad...and a little awkward, Raph was not going to be pleased being caught out in such an emotional scene.

Leo and Mike's eyes traveled to the books on the ground, Don's toolbox and tools scattered on the desk where they landed after hitting the wall. They saw what seemed to be the remains of a toaster smashed to pieces on the ground surrounding Raph and Donny, the sight troubling them both greatly.

Raph sensed his brothers presence and looked up, Leo wasn't sure exactly what he could see in Raph's eyes. Anger, saddness, worry...maybe all three. Raph wasn't sure what he felt either. He was really worried about Donny; he'd never seen him flip out like this, even when they had fought while Leo was away. It wasn't like this. It was as if Don really had snapped. Which was causing Raph to feel angry at Leo too.

 _If Leo could just stop pushing at people. If he had let Don work things out on his own, then maybe things wouldn't have happened this way_ , Raph thought. Raph's whole body ached from the situation they were all in. He knew Leo didn't mean for this to happen. And at the same time he was feeling quiet gulity himself. Leo wasn't here, he didn't come back when he was meant to and it had taken it's toll on Don. Raph didn't know which was worse, what Leo had done by staying away or what he had done when he was right there, letting things fall apart around him; not bothering to try and pick them up. Raph knew that Donny would. He'd let Donny fall apart under the weight of it all and he hadn't even realised it until a few hours ago.

Raph had forgiven Leo. And when Raph really thought about it he knew that it was true. They were past that. Sure they would never get along a hundred percent of the time. But they had come to an understading of sorts. As far as Raph was concerned this was his fault too. He was annoyed at Leo for pushing at Donny, but he was furious at himself for the damage he had caused Donny. He thought it odd though that Donny was willing to forgive and forget when it came to him. But not Leo. Maybe it was because Leo was always held to a higher standard then the rest of them. By Splinter, by them all. He was the leader after all. Raph decided that he would talk to Leo about this later. He'd help his brothers through this. Raph began to wonder if this was the way Donny and Mikey felt when he and Leo had 'problems'.

Raph and Don hadn't moved yet, Raph still had his arms around Don. Don still had his head burried in Raphs shoulder. Raph squeezed Don a bit tighter lost in his thoughts. _So what if I look like I'm havin a total chick flick moment here, it's tha least I can do after the last year,_ Raph thought drowning in his own guilt and worry.

For several minutes nobody said anything. Mikey finally broke the silence, "hey Raphie... let's leave these two alone for a few minutes".

Mikey was starting to feel a little nervous. Don had, well he assumed Donny had hurled his precious belongings around the room. Very un-Don like. Mikey was begining to think maybe this wasn't going to be as easy to fix as he first thought. Raph was being very gental and touchy feely, having a really gooey moment, right in front of them all and didn't seem to care. Now Mikey knew deep down Raph was a big softy when it came to his family. He cared more then he would ever admit. But it usually came out in private between two brothers, not on display for all to see. Or it was covered up by his red wearing brothers storming rage, revenge, and ranting. It was kinda sweet to see though...but Mikey thought that Leo and Donny needed a moment alone to work this out.

And in any case Mikey was having a hard time watching Don this way. It wasn't right, it hurt to see Donny this upset. And Mikey was beginning to worry he was going to crack a joke just to break the silence; but he thought better of it (again) and kept it to himself. _I really am getting smart in my old age_ , Mikey thought.

Raph seemed to consider Mikey's words for a moment. He knew Leo wanted to sort this out with Don...the sooner the better Raph figured. They could talk and then Raph could talk to Don more; try and make it all up to him as well. And he could help Leo if need be, then hopefully it could all be put behind them. But he wasn't sure if him leaving was what Donny wanted.

"Leo wants to talk ta ya," Raph whispered in Donny's ear.

Don who still hadn't bothered to look at his other two brothers simply nodded. He knew Leo would be back to talk again. He knew Leo and Mikey were standing right there...worried.

"I'm just gonna go out there with Mikey. That okay?" Raph continued.

Donny nodded again and slowly released the death grip he had Raph in. He didn't want Raph to leave, but having them all in the room would just make things more uncomfortable.

Mikey gave Leo another one of his reassuring smiles and squeezed his shoulder before moving to the door way, waiting on Raph. Raph squeezed Donny's shoulder reassuringly too and followed Mikey out the door.

Don slumped back against one of his work benches. Eyes downcast. He felt so very tired; drained and numb.

Leo wanted to go to Don and hug him tight. But if Donny's body language was anything to go on, it wasn't a good idea.

Leo swallowed, his throat felt so dry. "Donny" Leo started in a soft voice, "I am _so_ so so sorry, okay. I messed up big. I should have come home, when the time was up. I should have kept contact. I shouldn't have left you here to handle everything on your own. I-I should have apologiesed earlier. I just didn't...realise how you felt. And, I shouldn't have pushed at you before. I just couldn't stand this wall I felt coming up between us... I'll do anything to make this up to you," Leo said all at once, wanting to get it all out as quick as possible.

"Why didn't you?" Don said in a horse whisper. "Why didn't you come home, why didn't you keep contact at the very least, why did you leave me here to handle it all, why did you let us worry and fall to pieces...just why?" Donny added, voice rough, though he couldn't cry any more. The numbness radiating through his entire body.

"I don't know why I stopped writing," Leo began again. "At the time it just seemed...right. I felt like a failure. I'd gone so far away to become a better leader... for all of you. And I didn't feel better or different, or more capable. So I couldn't come home. So I didn't. And I didn't know how to tell you guys that. It wasn't that I didn't want to come home. It just kind of happened. It started of small, _I'll just stay another month_ , then it was another and another until it had been a whole year. I thought maybe you all were better off without me. I couldn't even get this right. Then I realised that you guys would either hate me or have gone on with your lives. And I wasn't sure which hurt more," Leo sighed.

"I guess I was just messed up being out there on my own for so long. I felt like I had become a ghost, that myth that the villagers thought I was. I missed you guys _a lot,_ so much. But I was scared to come back as a failure. Scared to see that you had all gone on perfectly fine without me. And I was worried that you hadn't as well, and I didn't want to face it. I was scared of a reaction like this, like what's happening now. Then April came, and she talked about you guys, and suddenly I just had to be back here with all of you. I pushed the fear away. I'm **sorry** things got so messed up," Leo paused taking a breath.

Donny didn't look up at him, but Leo could tell that he was listening, so Leo continued "I was freaking out about coming back not ready, afraid of what it might do to us as a team, and look what I did by not coming back. I don't know why I thought it wouldn't hurt you guys. I was being selfish...I wasn't thinking clearly and it was one of the biggest mistakes of my life, but I hope you can forgive me?" Leo finished as quick as he could. He'd told Don nearly the same thing he had told Mikey. It was the truth. He didn't know why he had let this happen. It felt right at the time, now he realised he'd never forgive himself for it. _A mistake...leaders shouldn't make these kinds of mistakes, big brothers shouldn't make these kinds of mistakes,_ Leo berated himself silently.

Leo waited for Don to respond. He watched his brother. Don continued to stare at the remains of the smashed toaster at his feet, but he wasn't really seeing it. He was trying to process what Leo had said. But his pain was still raw and open and was making it hard for him to think clearly, which is something that rarely ever happened to Don.

"C-Can you forgive me?" Leo repeated, trying not to let his voice crack.

 _Can I?_ Don thought. _How can I not, I didn't realise I was this affected by Leo's absence while he was gone and everything that went along with it. Until he brought it up. So how can I hold a grudge against him now._ Donny inwardly sighed, _Well maybe I did know, I mean I was distancing myself from him. Deep down I knew and deep down I knew it would affect us, so I pushed it all away, trying to avoid 'this'. He's my brother. He wouldn't intentionally hurt me... but he did. If he had come back when he said, when he was suppose to, things wouldn't have gotten so bad. Maybe the thing that is getting to me the most is that I missed him. I was so worried about him, would it have been so hard to just let us know he was okay. Then he just suddenly comes back and expects me to be as I always was...and I tried, I was so excited and happy and down right relieved to see him, and then with the monsters and Stone General escapade I was fairly distracted. After that I just buried myself in here. What Leo said makes sence, but it doesn't make it hurt any less. Leo, our big brother, our leader shouldn't make mistakes as big as this. It wasn't just me he hurt, Mikey and Raph and Master Splinter were affected greatly as well, maybe they have moved on. But I remember their pain too,_ Don stood lost in his racing thoughts. He hadn't made eye contact with Leo yet.

Leo waited as patiently as he could for Don's answer. Every second of silence was cutting into Leo's heart. _Why did Don have to think, that can't be a good sign. This can't be happening. What if he says no...if he was going to say yes then he would have answered by now. No, no how can he not forgive me...we're brothers, it was a bunch of bad decisons, but I'm doing what I can now,_ Leo thought, begining to panic. Don had been silent for several minutes now.

Leo wasn't sure whether to speak again or to wait until Donny was ready. He decided on waiting; as pushing before just made things worse. _My fears were right, he hates me. I've ruined our relationship,_ Leo panicked. He was unable to keep the fear and negative thoughts out of his mind, he began to shake.

"I-I don't...know" Don answered finally. It was the truth. It hurt him to say it. But he didn't want to lie. He was sure forgiveness would come eventually, but he just didn't know when.

Leo recoiled as if he'd been slapped. He felt fear and panic squeezing his heart so hard he was sure it really would break this time. _NO, oh God,_ Leo thought to himself; feeling tears welling in his eyes again.

"What do you mean, you don't know...Donny. I can't take back what happened, but I promise things will never get that way again. I'll do anything Donny, please," Leo begged, the hold on his tears breaking. He wiped them away roughly, but let more fall. For once not caring if he broke infront of one of his brothers. _What was he going to do_?

Don looked up at Leo just in time to see the damn break. _Leo was crying. Leo._ And still he couldn't say it. Fear rose up in Don's chest, _what if he never could forgive his brother._ He still loved Leo, he wanted to pull Leo into a hug and tell him it was all okay, but he couldn't. He couldn't live a lie...

The two brothers stood, staring at each other, breathing heavily; neither knew what to say. The sad silence that had fallen over them was suddenly interupted by the shrill ring of Don's shell cell.

Leo watched Don answer the buzzing phone. Trying to get a hold of himself.

"Hey Casey," Don answered his voice still rough. Don nodded in agreement to whatever had been said on the phone. "Okay, we'll be right there," Don finshed, hanging up the shell cell.

Don scrubbed his hands over his face and walked stiffly to grab his Bo that was leaning against one of the desks. "Casey needs help," Don explained, staring at the floor again. "He spotted a large group of thugs breaking in to a jewelry store, they've got him out numbered, so he's waiting for us. We need to hurry though," Don finished, hurrying out of the lab to tell his other two brothers. They'd have to figure out a way to deal with this later. And in all honesty Don was relieved, because he just didn't know what to do.

Leo swallowed back his pain as best he could, _this was just perfect timing_ , now he had to fight, they had to be a team, had to work together, he had to keep them together knowing that Donny may never be able to get passed this. How was he suppose to focus. But it wasn't as if they could just leave their friend out there on his own when he needed them. Leo took a deep breath, and stealed himself. Pushing his pain and sorrow away. He was the leader and he would get them through this, they'd do what they had to like always. _It doesn't matter how I feel anyway, I did this,_ Leo thought before joining his brothers where they had gathered by the exit.

Master Splinter felt wary of his sons running into battle when it was clear things had not been resolved. But they could not leave their friend out there in need. So he let them go. Knowing that even when unhappy with each other, they still 'had each other's backs' as his son's would have eloquently put it. He watched them disapear through the doorway after Donatello had come to him and explained what was happening. _Return safe my sons_ , the old rat thought.

**TMNT TMNT TMNT TMNT**

Not much was said between the four brothers as they raced through the sewers, except Raph grumbling about why Casey hadn't called him and Donny replying that Casey had said he had tried but Raph hadn't picked up. Raph glanced at his belt and realised he didn't even have his shell cell on him; realizing that he'd left it in his room that morning.

As they ran Raph kept glancing at Donny to see if he was okay, after this afternoon he was sure Donny wasn't up to this, when Don had come from his lab to tell them about Casey's call it didn't look like anything had been resolved. The look in Leo's glassy red eyes had confirmed that when he had joined them a few minutes later. Raph glanced back to look at Leo, yeah Raph didn't think he was up to this either. But Casey needed them.

Mikey watched as Don ran looking straight ahead, Leo too. No one spoke, Raph kept looking between them both with concern on his face. Non of which was helping the feeling of dread building inside Mikey.

Leo thought maybe he should have suggested Don sit this one out, but didn't want to make things worse between them. Don seemed tired and drained after the emotional few hours they had had, He looked as bad as Leo felt. But Leo convinced himself that some no-name gang of thugs wouldn't be too much trouble, against the four of them and Casey. So against his better judgment he said nothing.

A few minutes later the four turtles climbed out of a man hole into the dark city above. After checking their surroundings they climbed up the fire escape of the nearest building. After another short run, leaping over the roof tops the brothers dropped down beside Casey. Casey was so focused on stopping the crime he didn't notice that something wasn't right between the turtles, he just lead them to the store; the five of them quietly surrounding the thieves as they were loading up their van with jewellery. The five drew their weapons and took down two of the gang members so quietly the rest of the group didn't even notice at first.

The thugs were non descriptive. Just a group of mean looking 20 something year olds. But they weren't going to leave without a fight. They all brandished bat's and pipes, not a real weapon amoung them. Although Casey might disagree on that, proud as he was of his odd assortment of 'weapons'; believing them to be completely lethal when used by someone with his skill and of course down right awesomeness. The group was apparently not going to give up without a fight though, even when four mutant turtles and a guy wearing a hockey mask came out of no where.

It wasn't a hard fight, these guys had nothing on the turtles and Casey. Donny was finding it really hard to focus though. The whole ordeal this afternoon had taken it's toll on him. He was so very tired from the emotional turmoil. He did his best, but was finding it hard to concentrate on his surroundings. Only managing to focus on the guy he was fighting and not being aware of everything else. A big no, no for a ninja. Don's assailant was swinging a old pipe as a weapon. Don took him down easily enough. But as he dropped the guy Don didn't see a another one come up behind him, swinging a baseball bat at his unsuspecting head.

Leo did though, "Don, behind you!" he called. Giving Don enough time to duck and counter strike. Fear flowed through Leo, seeing Don nearly taken down. Realising that Don didn't have his head in the fight enough, and that it was his fault. _I should of acted like the leader I'm supposed to be and made sure Don was capable of doing this_ , _whether it made him more upset or not. It's my job and him being even more mad at me is better the him getting his head caved in!_ Leo thought to himself.

Leo was completely exhausted himself and a little cloudy headed due to their day, he couldn't get his mind in the right head space and now he was really worried about Donny. Leo let his guard down, just for a couple of seconds between knocking a boy with bat out and glancing to make sure Donny was still okay. It was only the smallest amount of time; but it gave the biggest of the theives enough time to strike. Leo flet a sharp hard kick to his plastron, he hit the ground hard. Which should have been nothing he couldn't recover from. Emotionaly exausted or not. But on impact with the ground Leo felt a very intense sharp pain shoot through the back of his head. The building above him and the night sky blured and swayed...then everything went black.

Don took down the another bat weilding guy just in time to see Leo hit the ground out of the corner of his eye...and not get up.

"Leo!" Don yelled, dodging the remaining men, as he raced to his brothers side. Leo lay still, eyes closed. Don knelt down next to his brother. Knowing that the others had heard him scream out and would cover him while he tended to Leo. Don checked Leo's pulse, it was there beating strong, but he couldn't wake him up.

Raph, Mikey and Casey had heard Don's scream and saw him run to Leo. Raph, Mikey and Casey worked harder and faster to take down the remaining four thugs, making sure to cover Don as he knelt beside the still form of their friend and brother.

Raph saw white hot rage, _No one hurts my brothers like that and gets away with it._ Raph was like an animal enraged. He took down the remaining thugs almost single handedly before racing over to Leo, Mikey right behind him.

Mikey, Raph and Casey looked to Don for answers. Leo didn't seem to have any grave injuries that they could see. Don examined his brother, and found the reason for his current state when he felt blood pouring from the back of his big brothers head. When Leo had hit the ground, his head had hit a very large sharp rock. Leo had a bad head wound and was now unconscious.

Don pulled his hand away, fear and panic building. _This could be bad,_ he thought, head wounds were serious business and it was his fault, if he had been paying more attention to what was around him... Leo wouldn't have been knocked down. Don felt fear over taking him; he stared down at Leo's blood that was now covering his right hand. He heard the others inhale sharply at the sight of blood, but he was lost in his thoughts. He'd been so angry at Leo...and now he just wished he'd said what his brother wanted... **needed** to hear. _NO,_ Don shook his head trying to get a grip on himself. Head wounds could be bad, but not always. They needed to get Leo back to the lair so he could examine him further. Leo was breathing. It was going to be okay. It had to be.

The conversation he had had with Raph played back in his mind.

_"But how did you do it?" Don had asked again._

_"Well there was the little incident of our massive fight and nearly gettin him killed" Raph had replied._

Don once again let his emotions get the better of him, he began to shake. He couldn't breath, there was no air, he felt dizzy. He recognised the syptoms though, but that didn't help him. He was having a panic attack. He knew he needed to pull himself together, they needed to get Leo home where he could help him. But the fear was too great, it over took him...

 

To be continued...


	4. The Regret...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It was quite in the room except for the steady beeping of the heart monitor Don had hooked Leo up to, just to make sure. It had only been a few hours since Leo had been hurt. Don didn't really remember getting back to the lair. It was all a jumbled blur. Raph had swooped in and hefted Leo up. Mikey and Casey had dragged Don to his feet. And they made a beeline for their home. Mikey had to practically keep Don upright the whole way. He was too distraught to even make his legs work properly. It took the whole way home and a few minutes after for Donny to calm down enough to think straight.

**The Regret...**

Don watched as Leo lay still on the infirmary bed, every few minutes Don would check his vitals. And every time they told Don the same thing. Leo was okay. He was breathing, his heartbeat was steady. He didn't have any other serious injuries, not really any minor ones either. Some bruises and scrapes. But that's it. Even the area on his plastron that had taken the brunt of the kick seemed relatively unharmed, just a little bruised. No internal injuries. Which was all good news. But that didn't make Donny feel any better. Leo was unconscious...and Don wouldn't know how bad the head damage really was until Leo woke up and he could run some more tests.

It was quite in the room except for the steady beeping of the heart monitor Don had hooked Leo up to, just to make sure. It had only been a few hours since Leo had been hurt. Don didn't really remember getting back to the lair. It was all a jumbled blur. Raph had swooped in and hefted Leo up. Mikey and Casey had dragged Don to his feet. And they made a beeline for their home. Mikey had to practically keep Don upright the whole way. He was too distraught to even make his legs work properly. It took the whole way home and a few minutes after for Donny to calm down enough to think straight.

And now all they could do was wait.

Raph and Mikey had just left the room to get them all some food. Master Splinter had been floating in and out of the room, meditating inbetween. Casey had only left a few minutes ago. But said that he and April would be back first thing in the morning. And to call if anything happened.

Donny wouldn't leave. He sat on a chair next to Leo's bed. He had to be here as soon as Leo woke up, so Leo would know he had forgiven him. Because he did. The regret of the whole stupid day was eating Don up inside. He knew this is what Raph had been talking about earlier. It was what he had been worried about earlier. That he wouldn't be able to let go of the hurt and anger and it would land them here.

Don just didn't think it would all happen so quick. He knew it seemed stupid, that now with Leo hurt, he was all about forgiving and forgetting, when a few hours earlier he was so hurt and upset he could barley even look at his own brother. But it was true, something like this puts things in perspecitve. You realise what really matters. And all that mattered to Don now, was that his family was okay. It didn't matter why Leo stayed away. All that mattered was that he came back.

 _Why didn't I just say I forgave him!_ Don screamed silently to himself, picturing Leo in his mind, tears falling down Leo's face. It made Donny feel sick. _Why didn't I pay more attention to my surroundings out there!_ Don berated himself, _Leo only got hurt because he was looking out for me. I'm going to hate myself for the rest of my life for all this. Everything Leo does is for us...him not coming back, he did it because he thought it was the right thing for us at the time. Even if he was wrong, I should have looked beyond that, to his motivation. He didn't think he was ready. And even if he was wrong, he was only thinking of us. And how do I repay him..._ Don reached out and took Leo's hand in his. He squeezed it. Wanting so bad for Leo to squeeze back. To open his eyes and tell him that it would all be okay. To look at him in that way only he could that made Don feel better alomst always. But he didn't. "I'm sorry..." Don whispered.

**TMNT TMNT TMNT TMNT**

Leo was surounded by hazy darkness, almost like he was floating inside of it. But he could hear Don. He couldn't get his eyes or the rest of his body to do as he wanted, but he felt his brother squeeze his hand. He could feel the soft mattress underneath him, the warm blankets that covered him. He remembered hitting the ground, a sharp pain in his head and how the dark sky had spun and then nothingness. But now he could hear the beeping of the heart monitor as it beeped in sync with his own heart. It was like he was surfacing from the black, but was still buried deep enough to prevent him from his own free will. He could hear his brother talking in a soft broken voice.

"I'm sorry...that I said I didn't know if I could forgive you...it's about the stupidist thing I ever said. Sometimes I wonder if I really am the smart one. I can, I have. You just have to wake up so I can tell you properly okay. I know you might be able to hear me right now. But then again maybe you can't. But I'm going to keep taking any way. I knew I'd be able to move on from my own pain eventually. I just... earlier I was too caught up in it. If we hadn't had to help Casey out; then things would have settled down on their own. Like Raph said to me earlier. I didn't beileve him to start with. But it's true. Seeing you lay so still, seeing you hurt. I hate it. And to top it all off it's my fault, I should have been more careful, I should have known I wasn't up to the fight and stayed here. Instead of risking all of you. I won't forgive _myself_ for that. Watching you get hurt, seeing you lay here like this... made me realise; how stupid it is to be holding onto that pain. It's the past...Your here with us now. It doesn't matter anymore that you were away for so long. All I should be concentrating on is now, you're back and our family is whole again. I think that's another thing Raph was getting at earlier. He's more switched on emotionally then we give him credit...or maybe that's just since what happened with you two on the roof, maybe both. I wish I had listened closer. I wish I had just talked to you..." Don sighed and squeezed Leo's hand again.

If Leo could have, he would have smiled. He would have squeezed Donny's hand back. He would have sat up and hugged his little brother. There was so much he wanted to say. But he couldn't. He felt so much better about things. But he wouldn't feel a hundred percent until he made sure Donny was okay too. He could hear the guilt and saddness in Donny's voice. And Leo wanted nothing more than to take that away. He caused his brothers enough hurt...all of them. Don's words of regret and guilt hurt Leo's heart, because he put them there in the first place. He didn't want Don to feel guilty about anything! And Leo felt he should have listened to his instincts and stopped Don from coming with them to help Casey. He vowed he would help Don let go of that guilt too. He _was_ going to forgive himself. Leo used all the will and mental strength he had. His fingeres ever so briefy squeezed reassuringly around Don's own.

"Leo?" Don all but shouted. He watched for any sign of Leo coming out of his unconscious state. Leo's eyes didn't open, his heart rythm stayed the same. But Don knew he had felt it. Leo was in there some where, listening.

**TMNT TMNT TMNT TMNT**

As soon as Raph and Mikey entered the room, Don burst out of his seat, keeping hold of Leo's hand, to tell them what had happened. The red and orange turtles looked visibly relieved. That was a good sign. Don went on to explain that he wasn't awake or anything, but he thought Leo could hear them. So that they should just keep talking to him. Mikey let out a woop and handed Don his tray of food, before bouncing over to his seat by the bed, feeling much lighter then before. Don sat balancing his tray of food in his lap, eating with one hand. He refused to let go of Leo's hand. Raph sat down in the vacant seat by Mikey and the three ate quietly. None of them really felt like it, but knew they'd be in trouble if they didn't. And this news did make the sandwiches and juice easier to swallow.

Leo could hear all three of his brothers around him now. They were eating. Which he was glad about, he knew how easy it was to ignore your own basic needs when worried for someone else. He longed to wake up and join them. Floating around inside the darkness reminded Leo of being away in the jungle. Alone. Longing for his family, of wanting just a normal mundane moments. Like eating dinner, watching TV. Anything as long as they were together.

The hours wore on. The boys took turns telling little stories to Leo, about things he missed while he was away. And funny little anecdotes about their childhood. All praying that he'd wake up and join in. At around 1 am the boys drew quiet and Master Splinter came to check on his wounded eldest and three other sons keeping vigil; as he had been doing every hour.

Master Spinter had been trying to connect with Leonardo on a spiritual level while meditating. But while his son was visiable to him on that level, he was still enveloped in inky darkness that the old rat could not penetrate. But Master Spinter did not worry, he could feel that Leonardo would be coming back to them. And the news of him squeezing Donatello's hand, was very good; though Master Splinter wasn't suprised. He knew his son had not left them.

Master Splinter gazed upon his brood of four, the one in blue laying still, except for the soft reasuring rise and fall of his chest. The one in red, sitting by Leonardo's right side, looking tired but tense, arms crossed over his chest and at the ready if anything should go wrong. The one in purple, on Leonardo's left, holding tight to Leonardo's hand. His chair pulled up close to the bed. Eyes sleepy but focused. The one in orange, dozing on Raphael's shoulder; hand clutchng Leonardos wrist.

Master Spinter entered the room, deciding that Michelangelo needed to go to bed for a few hours. Of course Mikey didn't want to but was convinced when given a stern look from Master Splinter and Raph threatened violence if he drooled on his shoulder again. So he agreed to go sleep on the sofa. He figured it was closer. It wasn't as if the other two looked much better, but Mikey knew they all babied him when it came to this stuff. He was really tired and had a kink in his neck from falling asleep on Raph's shoulder. They were _all_ emotionaly and physically worn out. But Mikey didn't bother to argue that point though. He'd been up most of the previous night trying to get to the next level on 'Super Paper Mario' so that was just adding to his exhaustion now. Mikey bent down close to Leo's ear and said in a tired sing song voice "See ya later alligator...oh and you better be awakey or there will be no eggs and bakey". Mikey then said goodnight to the rest of his family and stumbled tiredly from the room.

If Leo could have he would have laughed at Mikey's goodbye. See ya later alligator was something Mikey was obsessed with as a kid. What possessed him to say it now, Leo wasn't sure. Maybe all the stories they had been telling as the reminisced about their childhood had reminded him. And as for the eggs and bakey...well Leo never pretended to know what was going on in Mike's mind, he guessed that it was what Mikey planned on cooking for breakfast in the morning. And was using it as an insentive for Leo to wake up. _See ya in a while crocodile_ Leo thought, it's what he wanted to say, if only his mouth would co-operate.

**TMNT TMNT TMNT TMNT**

Master Splinter left his middle sons to sit with their brother. Making a mental note to come back in another hour to make sure they also got some sleep too. He passed his youngest curled up in a ball on the sofa, snoring softley. He pulled the blanket more firmly around him before retiring to his own room to continue reaching out to Leonardo.

After Master Splinter and Mikey had left, Don and Raph sat in silence for a few minutes; lost in their own tired thoughts. Niether willing to go to sleep just yet.

"This is what you meant," Donny said, breaking the silence.

'Hmm?" Raph mumbled, unsure of what Don was talking about.

"Nearly losing him...puts things in perspective. I don't even care about what happened before now. I just want him to wake up _and_ be okay".

Raph nodded, but Don's wording worried him "He will be okay? right Donny?" Raph asked.

"I-I'm sure he can hear us, and all his vitals have remained stable. But head wounds are hard...I have no way of knowing how he really is, until he wakes up".

"So he could 'ave, what like brain damage?" Raph asked panic rising up in his chest yet again.

"Well there's always a possibility that-that he could have..." Don trailed of not even wanting to say it. "All we can do is wait," Don added, tears coming to his eyes.

Raph slumped further down in his seat. He couldn't wait for this stupid day...night to be over. "Leo" he began. "YOU have ta wake up, ya hear me!" Raph yelled pounding a fist on the bed.

Raph's sudden outburst startled Don, who jumped in his chair. "You don't have to yell at him...calm down," Don scolded.

"It's okay when you yell at him," Raph sneered, the whole terrible day and his emotional exhaustion catching up with him.

Don recoiled as if Raph had hit him. After being so comforting and understading earlier Don couldn't work out why Raph seemed mad with him about it now.

Raph hung his head in his hands, he didn't know why he was yelling; he was so God damn tired and worried. First all the stuff with Leo and Don, then the fight, then Leo got hurt and then Don started having a panic attack or somthing. He was just about at the end of his rope emotionally and physically right now. And he wasn't gonna say anything but he did feel mad at Don for not paying more attention in the fight. If he had been more on his game this wouldn't have happened.

That thought occured to Don too, "you're mad at me," Don said. It wasn't a question but a statement.

Raph sighed and looked up at Donny's sad eyes. He scubbed a hand over his face. "I'm just- tired and stressed...and well I guess ya- ya coulda done better Donny and if ya couldn't of, well maybe ya shouldn't 'ave come..." Raph trailed off. Knowing that he didn't think Don was okay when they set of to help Casey but let him go anyway. Mad at himself...but like usual unwilling to admit it just yet.

This had been one of the worse days of Don's life...he thought Raph was going to be there for him, he didn't need him throwing this back in his face, as if he wasn't already feeling as bad as he could about it.

"Heh" Don scoffed and shook his head. To tired to think or care about what he was saying anymore. The guilt and stress taking it's toll on him. He felt almost drunk.

"What?" Raph asked in a soft but gruff tone.

"It's funny how when I mess up you're down my throat...but you do it every other freaking day and I'm not allowed to say a thing," Don knew he was doing it again. Getting annoyed about things in the past. After he had promised himself he'd let it all go...it was easier said then done. Especially when Raph seemed to have turned on him. But really Don was also just mad at himself for letting things get this way. He wasn't going to admit it yet either. Don wondered if this side of himself was permanent. Leo's absence had changed him...it had changed them all a little.

Something inside both the turtles snapped and they stood moving to the end of Leo's bed to face each other. Don letting go of Leo's hand for the first time in hours.

And they finally had it out, bringing up everything that had happened while Leo was away.

Don couldn't stop the words coming out of his mouth, he knew he needed to, and he knew this was just the same thing that he and Leo had just gone through and look how that ended up. But his mouth had a mind of it's own.

Don had decided to forget about all that had happened between himself and Raph pretty much as soon as Leo walked in. Because things between the two middle brothers seemed to ease back into 'normalcy' easy enough. But now in the heat of the moment, his mouth had just decided to throw out every little thing that Raph had done over the last year; just so he wouldn't be the only one feeling guilty and awful.

Raph felt ready to strangle his younger brother with the hands that he had used to comfort him only hours earlier. He didn't even know why he was yelling back...he had admitted to himself earlier that he should have been better in Leo's absence, because he knew it was true and he had told Don how sorry he was. Because he really was.

But even when he knew he was the one in the wrong he had trouble having it thrown back in his face. He hated feeling guilty. It just made him angry. It was easier earlier to be there for Don and apologize to him when Donny's anger hadn't been directed at him. Right now Raph's heart wanted to stop and hug Don again, say sorry again. Make him feel better, instead of worse. Be the brother he was earlier in the day; the one he should have been over the last year. But his mouth had other ideas apparently.

Stress and worry can do that to you. Make you yell when you don't mean it. Make you say things you never ever meant to. It was like they were both trapped on an emotional rollercoaster that they had no control over.

BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP!

A frantic beeping stopped them both in their tracks though. Leo's heart was racing. They both bolted to the bed. All thoughts of their fight forgotton. Don couldn't find a reason for the change in their brother. Leo's body started to convulse.

"LEO!" Don and Raph yelled together; as they tried to keep their brother on the bed...

 

To be continued...


	5. The Forgiveness...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He struggled harder against the black bubble that was holding him captive in his own body. NO, Leo wanted to yell. I'm okay I am! As soon as he could swim through the rest of the blackness into the light of real life he knew he could wake up. Leo was concentrating as hard as he could to get back to his family. And bit by bit things were becoming clearer. Noises around him, sensations. The murky darkness was ebing away slowly. But too slowly for Leo and his brothers.

**The Forgiveness...**

Even though he couldn't open his eyes Leo could hear Raph and Donny talking softley over him; from either side of his bed.

"This is what you meant," Donny started.

'Hmm?" Leo heard Raph mumble.

"Nearly losing him...puts things in perspective. I don't even care about what happened before now. I just want him to wake up _and_ be okay".

_I'm trying Donny,_ Leo thought to himself.

"He will be okay, right Donny?" Raph asked, Leo could hear the worry clouding his voice.

"I-I'm sure he can hear us, and all his vitals have remained stable. But head wounds are hard...I have no way of knowing how he really is, until he wakes up," Donny replied, sounding scared.

"So he could 'ave, what like brain damage?" Raph sounded scared too.

"Well there's always a possibility that-that he could have..." Leo heard Don pause. "All we can do is wait," Leo was sure Don was on the verge of tears again.

He struggled harder against the black bubble that was holding him captive in his own body. _NO, Leo wanted to yell. I'm okay I am!_ As soon as he could swim through the rest of the blackness into the light of real life he knew he could wake up. Leo was concentrating as hard as he could to get back to his family. And bit by bit things were becoming clearer. Noises around him, sensations. The murky darkness was ebing away slowly. But too slowly for Leo and his brothers.

" **Leo** ," Now Raph was talking to him. Anger. "YOU have ta wake up, ya hear me!"

If Leo could have he would have jumped at the sound of his brothers voice, not to mention the fist pounding on his bed. Anger and fear. Raph was starting to lose it.

"You don't have to yell at him...calm down," Don sounded annoyed, no doubt startled himself.

"It's okay when **you** yell at him," Raph sneered.

_Oh no..._ Leo thought. He recognised that tone. The whole ordeal had taken it's tole on Raph and he wasn't going to hold on to his patience for much longer.

Leo had been quite proud of the way Raph had been dealing with things up to this point. Very calm and sensitive. Very un-Raph like. The events on the roof top during the Winter's ordeal had changed Raph a little. He was really trying hard to do better with his temper.

Raph had scared himself up there, with his sai so close to his Leo's face. Don, Mikey and Master Splinter didn't know, but Raph and Leo had spoken about it a few days later. And now both were in a much better place with each other.

There was a long pause, "you're mad at me," Don said. From the tone Don used Leo could tell it wasn't a question, but a statement.

Leo heard Raph sigh "I just- tired and stressed...and well I guess ya- ya coulda done better Donny and if ya couldn't well maybe ya shouldn't 'ave come..." Leo heard Raph trail off and was silently begging him to let it go. Don was already feeling horrible about what had happened. _Anyway it's my fault, I should have stopped him from coming in the first place. I knew he wasn't up to it,_ Leo thought.

"Heh," Leo heard Don scoff. _No, no, no_. Leo thought, hearing the tinge of anger in his purple wearing brothers voice. _No, not you guys too. It's too much. Don can't take it. I thought you guys were okay. Oh God I should have never started all this in the first place._

"What?" Raph's voice was low, but mean.

"It's funny how when I mess up you're down my throat...but you do it every other freaking day and I'm not allowed to say a thing,"

_No!_ Leo struggled harder to wake up.

Leo heard them both push their chairs back. Don let go of his hand, after hours of holding onto it for what seemed like dear life.

Leo could tell they had moved away, towards the foot of the bed. He could still hear them quiet clearly. How could he have trouble, they weren't trying to be quiet about it. (Although not really loud enough to wake Master Splinter or Mikey...not yet any way).

"Off playing vigilante! Never lifting a finger to help around here. Even Mikey tried to help out!" Leo heard Donny shout and he hated that he could do nothing but lay still, he couldn't lift a finger to help now. "Sleeping _all_ day, out _all_ night... you werent there for us..." Don trailed off.

_Damn it!_ Leo struggled against the blackness, tried to force his muscles to move. His eyes to open. his voice to come back. He hated that he had reduced Don, his most patient, calm, level headed brother to someone with so much emotional turmoil. His moods and emotions were swinging like crazy. Leo hated that he had caused any of them pain. He hated that he had damaged Don and Raph's relationship too. He thought they had sorted it out, or had just let it go...Don had obviously been pushing this down too. Raph had been so, so sensitive and comforting towards Don earlier. Now they were at each others throats.

"Well **you** Leo junior, you we're drivng me up tha wall! Trying to boss me about you're _my_ little brother, not the other way around. You and Mikey just gave up. Hiding away in your little 'jobs' pretending the city above us wasn't going to hell. That innocent people weren't being hurt! You guys wanted nothing to do with it, so I left ya to yer own devices..."

Raph felt ready to strangle his younger brother with the hands that he had used to comfort him only hours earlier. He didn't even know why he was yelling back...he had admitted to himself earlier that he should have been better in Leo's absence, because he knew it was true and he had told Don how sorry he was. Because he really was.

But even when he knew he was the one in the wrong he had trouble having it thrown back in his face. He hated feeling guilty. It just made him angry. It was easier earlier to be there for Don and apologize to him when Donny's anger hadn't been directed at him. Right now Raph's heart wanted to stop and hug Don again, say sorry again. Make him feel better, instead of worse. Be the brother he was earlier in the day; the one he should have been over the last year. But his mouth had other ideas apparently.

Don obviously hadn't let him off the hook for his part in all this...which deep down Raph understood, and it honestly made sense to him. But it hurt.

Don had been pushing down a lot of hurt and resentment, for a long time now and he was at breaking point, again. "I wasn't bossing you around, I was trying to keep you safe! You just barge ahead guns blazing all the time. Not giving a crap about your safety. I was-was only trying to help you. But no all you wanted me for was to patch you up and send you on your way. Not question the fact that the next time you went out might be your last. That Mike, Master Splinter and I would never see you again. We already didn't know where Leo was. I needed you... I didn't need to lose you too. And what do I get for it. Huh. Punched in the face..." Don trailed off, breathing hard. _Why did I bring that up_ , Don thought.

**TMNT TMNT TMNT TMNT**

_"Where are you going Raph?" Don had called out as Raph headed out for yet another night, doing, whatever the hell it was he was doing. 'Busting heads' with Casey. Or whatever he did that caused him to come home at least slightly injured once a week. Whatever it was that caused him to be out the whole night, Sleeping the whole day. And snarling at Don and Mikey whenever he was gracious enough to grant them the pleasure of his presence._

_D_ _on knew he was probably making things worse, 'nagging' Raph about his where abouts. But he was worried. He finally understood Leo's need to keep tabs on Raph. If for nothing else but his own sanity. He wouldn't admit it out loud, not to Mikey or anyone. But Don was suffering badly with anxiety every time Raph went out; that wouldn't leave him until he heard his brother re-enter the lair at very early morning._

_Sometimes Raph came stumbling to Don for help with an injury. Or sometimes he'd take care of it himself. Don couldn't sleep while Raph was out. It wasn't as if Don hadn't worried about Raph when Leo was home, but he had known Leo was there to worry, was there to wait up, was there to lecture. Leo was there to keep Raph safe. Leo was there to take that burden. Now that roll fell to him. And it was terrifying._

_Leo hadn't been in contact in months. And now Don felt as though Raph was slipping away. Don knew he was just making his older brother more angry but he just had to do it. Don thought it was better to have Raph pissed off at him all the time, then to lose him all together._

_"Out," Raph had snarled in response, as he'd continued on his way to the lair door. He hated that Don was constantly on his back all the time. Raph had started to think Don was worse then Leo, which was unbelievable._

_"Where?" Don had asked following Raph up the stairs. "Couldn't you stay in at least one night?"_

_"Got stuff to do," Had come the gruff reply._

_By this point Don had also made it to the top of the balcony, standing just behind Raph. Who was about to open the door to leave._

_"What stuff could be so important every night of the week?" Don had questioned._

_"Non of ya damn business," Raph snapped, turning his head to glare at his brother._

_Don began to feel the all to familar overwhelming anxiety building in his chest. As Raph went to reach for the door Don grabbed his arm, preventing him from leaving._

_"Let go of me Donny," Raph had growled._

_"No, you need to listen, you need to stay. You need to stop putting yourself in danger. You need to help around here," Don had blurted out._

_"Don," Raph was not in the mood for yet another lecutre from his_ _**little** _ _brother. He was helping. Helping the people that Don and Mike and Leo had abandoned. He was sick of hearing how much of a screw up he was. You don't help, you don't do this, you don't do that. Blah blah. "Let go!" Raph had snarled again, trying to shake his arm free and moved to continue on his way._

_But Don wasn't going to have it. Not another restless night with barely any sleep. He needed Raph to stay. He needed him to help. He needed him to be safe. He needed at least one of his big brothers to be there for him. He **needed** him to stay. So he didn't let go. _

_"NO," Don had snapped. I'm sick of this. Just NO". He tryed to pull Raph back away from the door. Logically he wasn't sure what his plan was here; Drag Raph down the stairs and then what? But that didn't stop him from clawing onto Raph with both hands around Raph's bicep and pulling. But Raph was stronger and bigger. And so not in the mood._

_Raph turned around violently and shoved Don, but Don didn't let go. "I swear Don if you don't let go a me..." he had let the threat hang as he strugged to get away from his purple clad brother._

_Don might not be as strong as his red wearing brother but he was in no means weak._ _D_ _on hung on; tightening his grip._

_The brothers scuffled around for several minutes until Raph couldn't take it anymore. Before Raph had even known what he was doing he'd swung his right fist around clocking Don right in the face, with enough force to knock Don to the ground; landing just before the stair case._

_Both turtles breathed heavily in shock. Don coudn't believe it. Raph had never hit him in anger like that before._

_T_ _he brothers stared at each other for a minute before Raph had turned and high tailed it out of the lair. Leaving Don on the ground alone._

_Raph had ran. He didn't know what was wrong with him. Don didn't deserve that... He ran for miles. What's wrong with me. He had kept saying that to himself over and over with each step he took, What's wrong with me. Doesn't anyone realize that I feel lost with out Leo too. That I miss him too. That I go out all night to save people because if I don't I'm going to go insane with worry. No because I do everything I possibly can to make sure no one would think that, Raph had thought to himself._

_The next day niether of them spoke of it. Just went along their own normal routines. Raph had felt the guilt sucker punch him in the stomach every time he saw the bruise on Don's face. The tension between them had grown and grown from there. Raph had never said sorry, even though he was. Don had never brought up how hurt he was. They didn't tell Mikey or Master Splinter what had happened._

Don had made up some excuse about the bruise Raph assumed; since no one ever questioned it. Raph could never understand why Don didn't dob him in over it. It all happened a few months before Leo had come back. They both pretended that it had never happened.

Don had felt embarrassed, felt like he should have been stronger. More able to cope with Raph then he had been. They had never brought it up again...

Until now.

**TMNT TMNT TMNT TMNT**

Leo couldn't believe it. Raph had hit Don. Not in sparring, not in joking, not it brotherly rough housing; but in real anger.

_Why, why! Did I think that my brothers didn't need me, why did I think I was more needed back there._ _That's it I'm waking up. NOW._

Raph felt every muscle in his body tense; re-living that incident. He was always the bad guy...

It had been nice for once to be the 'good' brother. Helping Don and making him feel better today. Now he was the bad one again. The one who hadn't helped. The one who wasn't there for his little brothers. The one who had brusied his brothes face, and ran. Instead of looking beyond what Don was saying to the anxiety his brother was feeling.

"Just shut up Brainiac!" Raph yelled at Don. Because he didn't know what else to say. Because he knew he was the bad guy again. Whether he wanted to be or not.

"You shut up, Hot head!" Don yelled back, hating how childish he sounded even to his own ears. Don absolutely hated how emotional he was. He use to be so calm, even when faced with danger. Now he was having panic attacks, screaming, crying. Apologising one minute and the next yelling at yet another brother, after just promising to never let this happen again.

Leo decided he had to stop this, he couldn't lay here another minute hearing his brothers heated words. He couldn't listen to Raph and Donny's voices getting louder, the accusations, the insults, the hurt, the blame, the guilt. It was tearing him apart. He had thought Don had foriven Raph. Or just let it go. Which had hurt him earlier because he couldn't understand why Don was mad at him and not just a little at Raph, and now he wished that it had been true.

Don had obviously just pushed all of this away too. Leo didn't want either of his brothers in pain and he knew most of the fight that was going on around him now was caused from emotonal exhaustion and stress; that they'd both regret most of this once they had some sleep. He didn't want Raph going through what he had just been through and he didn't want Don to go through all this again. He was going to wake up. He was, he had to get up. He could feel his heart beat faster as he tried to force his way to reality. Panic and worry fueling him...

Raph and Donny continued trading insults, voices rising until...

A frantic beeping stopped them both in their tracks. Leo's heart was racing. They both bolted to the head of the bed. All thoughts of their fight forgotton. Don couldn't find a reason for the change in their brother. Leo's body started to convulse.

"LEO!" Don and Raph screamed together, trying to keep their brother on the bed...

**TMNT TMNT TMNT TMNT**

"I'm sorry Raph, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to bring it all back up again. I don't know what's wrong with me," Don said frantically, as he held onto Leo. Nothing in the past was more imprtant then them being okay now.

Raph put his hand over Don's hand as they used them to keep their blue clad brother from toppling off the bed. "Me too," Raph replied softly.

"Leo, Leo," Don called; not sure what had caused this sudden change in their brother.

After several minutes the convulsing finally stopped. And Leo was still, his heart slowed. Don and Raph held their breath as they stared helplessly at their brother.

And then...

Leo opened his eyes.

"Leo!" Raph and Don shouted together.

Leo tried to sit up a little.

"Careful," Don murmered, as he helped Leo adjust himself. Leaning him against the bed head with pillows tucked behind his head and shell to make him comfortable.

"How are you feeling? Are you okay? Does anthing hurt? How many fingers am I holding up?" Raph and Don bombared their brother. Don busied himself giving Leo yet aother once over as he spoke, checking for anything that could be wrong.

Leo smiled a little. So pleased to be free from his inky tomb. "I'm fine" He croaked out. "My head aches a little and I'm thirsty but I'm feel okay," He added in a dry sounding voice.

Don tuned to pour Leo a drink of water from the jug behind him, satisfied that Leo seemed okay, head wound and all.

"No more fighting," Leo said, in a hoarse voice.

The brothers looked at each other, "you-you could hear us?" Don asked, offering Leo the glass of water.

"Yeah," Leo nodded, taking a sip.

_Damn,_ Raph thought...he knows I hit Don. Raph looked down in shame.

Leo took hold of both Don's and Raph's forearms and pulled them down to sit either side of him on the bed. Don and Raph looked at Leo and each other confused.

"We need to put this behind us...all of it" Leo began, voice not so rough now. "We're brothers" Leo added. Feeling a little unsure of himself. "I know I caused a lot of..." Leo started to say.

"No shhhhh," Don interupted. "I forgive you," Don said looking straight into Leo's eyes. Eyes he was woried he'd never see again. "I forgive you both," Don added looking at Raph before he could say anything. "And I'm sorry for my part in all this too".

Leo was so happy, he felt so much better. Headache and all. Before he could think about it too much he put an arm around each of his brothers and pulled them too him. They reciprocated and leant their heads down on Leo's shoulders.

Raph remembering the sight of Don sprawled on the ground, bruise forming on his face reached over and put his other arm around Don aswell. Don did the same to Raph, so the three of them were all hundled in a comforting circle.

"Awwwwwwwwwwwww, how cute!" Came Mikey's amused voice from the door way.

Don and Raph dropped the arms they had around each other. Raph felt his face go warm. He had to stop letting other people see him all mushy. After today/night his rep was going to be shot to hell.

Before they could move any more than that Mikey ran at them full force. "Group hug!" He yelled diving on top of the bed. Landing on top of Leo, so he was sitting in the centre of his brothers. Pulling them all back together.

They all laughed.

Splinter watched his children from the doorway; an affectionate smile on his lips.

"Mikey," Raph groaned, rolling his eyes at his overly affectionate brother.

"Get off my patient," Don added in mock annoyance, as he was fairly cetain Leo was okay. He would be keeping an eye on him for a while yet to make sure though.

Leo just smiled. He was finally home.

"Hey Mikey," Leo said after a few moments "Where's my eggs and bakey?"

Mikey looked at Leo quizzically for a second before remembering what he had whispered to Leo last night. "Coming right up!" He yelled as he bounded out the door; past Master Splinter and into the kitchen.

Leo laughed.

"Does he realize it's like 2 O'clock in the morning?" Don chuckled.

Leo laughed more.

"He always was a shell fer brains," Raph added, shaking his head in amusement.

Leo Laughed again. Locking eyes with his father.

Yeah, he was home.

 

_The End_


End file.
